2017-06

フルーツフル添削(World hunger vs Terrorism 序論と理由1)

Although it is no doubt that terrorism is a great threat to (空白) human beings, I believe that world hunger should be treated as a more serious problem for the following three reasons.


Although there is no doubt that terrorism is a great threat to the safety of human beings, I believe that world hunger should be treated as a more serious problem for the three following reasons.



First, world hunger has a more pervasive influence on the world than terrorist attacks. World hunger causes malnutritions among almost one-third of the world's population. According to the UN report, nearly eight million people are dying due to world hunger annually, while the death toll under terrorism is around thirty thousand. From this fact, it is obvious that world hunger exerts a wider impact on the globe.


First, world hunger has a more pervasive influence on the world than terrorist attacks. World hunger causes (E)malnutrition() among almost one-third of the world's population. According to the UN report, nearly eight million people die from starvation annually, while the death toll of terrorism is around thirty thousand. From this fact, it is obvious that world hunger exerts a wider impact on the humanity.


1つだけ納得できないのですが、"for the following three reasons"がダメで、"for the three following reasons"に添削されているのですが、何で???


テンプレ中のテンプレ表現だと信じ切っていたのですが。

第3段落のフルーツフル添削結果

Third, world hunger is more threatening in that it is closely related to natural factors.

Third, world hunger is more threatening in that it is closely related to natural factors.


As we all know, what humans could do when natural disasters occur is very limited.

As we all know, the things humans can do when natural disasters occur are very limited.


Forces of nature such as draughts or flooding are so unexpected and beyond control that it is highly likely that food shortages brought about by these natural power are much harder to handle.

Forces of nature such as draughts or flooding are so unexpected and beyond control that it is highly likely that food shortages brought about by these natural forces are much harder to handle.


Though terrorism is also caused unexpectedly, it is still possible to predict or deter ( 空欄   ) to some extent, since terrorism is incited by humankind, not environmental factors.

Though terrorism is also caused unexpectedly, it is still possible to predict or deter terrorist acts to some extent, since terrorism is incited by humankind, not environmental factors.


この段落は完全オリジナルです。内容はさておき、英文自体は大体これでいいようです。

それにしても、フルーツフルはレベル4の評価ばかりで、レベル5のパーフェクトを取るのは相当難しいですね。


いい目標ができました。

当面の間、レベル5を目指して頑張ってみます!


Which is the greater threat to humankind, terrorism or world hunger?

More than one billion people, primarily in the Third World, are suffering from hunger.  Although it is no doubt that terrorism is a great threat to human beings, I believe that world hunger should be treated as a more serious problem for the following three reasons.


First, world hunger have a more pervasive influence on the world than terrorist attacks.  World hunger causes malnutritions among almost one-third of the world's population.  According to the UN report, nearly eight million people are dying due to world hunger annually, while the death toll under terrorism is around thirty thousand.  From this fact, it is obvious that world hunger exerts a wider impact on the globe. 


Second, world hunger is one of the root causes of terrorism.  People are apt to commit a crime or resort to violence when their security is not assured.  Needless to say, food shortage is one of the life-threatening issues for people in needy countries, and in the worst case scenario, it will give rise to terrorist acts.  In contrast, people with sufficient food would not usually perpetuate such acts of terrorism.  In other words, without world hunger, the possibility of act of terror would be much lower.


Third, world hunger is more threatening in that it is closely related to natural factors. As we all know, what humans could do when natural disasters occur is very limited.  Forces of nature such as draughts or flooding are so unexpected and beyond control, it is highly likely that food shortages brought about by these natural power are much harder to handle.  Though terrorism is also caused unexpectedly,  it is still possible to predict or deter to some extent, since terrorism is incited by humankind, not environmental factors.


For the three reasons mentioned above, more pervasive influence on the world, the root cause of terrorism, and the direct relation with nature, I believe that world hunger is the greater threat to human beings than terrorism.


今回は7割ぐらいがオリジナルです。フルーツフルには段落ごとに時間差で送っておきました。

こうして書き続ければ、少しは上達するかな~、と信じて…。



テロと世界飢餓は、どちらが人類にとってより脅威か。

テロと世界飢餓は、どちらが人類にとってより脅威か。



世界で多くの人々が飢餓で苦しんでいる。

テロも脅威だが、次の3つの理由により、世界飢餓の方がより深刻な問題である。


世界飢餓の方が規模が大きいから。

世界飢餓では、全人口の3分の1が栄養失調に苦しむことになる。

国連によると、800万人近くが飢餓で亡くなっている。

一方、テロによる死者の数は3万である。


世界飢餓がテロの根本的な原因だから。

人は飢餓のように生命が脅かされると犯罪に走ったり裕福な人々に怒りをぶつけたりする。

自身の身の安全が保証されていれば、テロのような暴挙に出ることはない。

世界飢餓が深刻になればなるほど、テロが起こる可能性も増えるので、世界飢餓の方が脅威である。


世界飢餓の方が解決するのが困難だから。

世界飢餓は、政治・経済といった人的要因とは別に、自然環境の変化に左右される。

人間が自然を完全に制御するのは不可能である。

一方、テロは人間が引き起こすので直接的な原因を特定しやすいという点で、まだ解決の糸口がある。


以上3つの理由、規模の違い、テロの根本的原因、解決の難しさ、により、世界飢餓の方がテロよりも人類にとって脅威である。




まずは日本語でしっかりと考えるところから。これから英語で書いてみます。

何か矛盾点や突込みどころがあれば、遠慮なく教えて下さい。



「フルーツフル」 vs 「英検1級面接大特訓」

先日書いた英作文のフルーツフル添削結果です。


お気づきの方もいるかと思いますが、このエッセイは、植田一三先生の「英検1級面接大特訓」をかなり参考にして書いています。


自分のオリジナル要素もある程度は入ってますが、「模範解答そのまま」の部分もあります。


そこも添削されていたりするので、これは果たしてどちらを信じるべきか…。


当然、植田先生の模範英文もネイティブチェックが入っているはずなので、これはネイティブ同士の見解の相違ということになるのでしょうか。


個人的には、添削された箇所については納得しています。


みなさんはどうお考えですか?よろしければご意見をお聞かせ下さい。


More than one billion people, especially in the Third World, are suffering from poverty. Under such circumstances, I believe that developed countries should help developing countries overcome poverty for the following three reasons.


More than one billion people, primarily in the Third World, are suffering from poverty. Under such circumstances, I believe that more economically developed countries (MEDCs) should help developing countries overcome poverty for the following three reasons.




First, developed countries have to compensate for their exploitation of natural resources and people in developing countries. In the past, developed countries colonized and oppressed developing countries, which is one of the reasons that the Third World is in the state of poverty today. Since developed countries owe their present economic prosperity to developing countires, they should atone for their past exploitation.


First, MEDCs should compensate for their exploitation of natural resources and people in developing countries. In the past, MEDCs colonized and oppressed developing countries, which is one of the reasons that the Third World is in a state of poverty today. Since MEDCs owe their present economic prosperity to developing countries, they should atone for their past deeds.




Second, developed countries' economic aid to developing countries will contribute to world peace and stablility. Since poverty is one of the root causes of terrorism and conflicts, helping the Third World to reduce poverty will stabilize the international communitity, thus leading to global peace. Furthermore, the interaction in the process of economic aid can establish a close relationship between developing countries and advanced societies, which is also likely to promote world peace.


Second, MEDCs providing economic aid to developing countries will contribute to world peace and stability.  As poverty is one of the root causes of unrest, terrorism and conflict, helping the Third World to reduce poverty will stabilize the international communitity, and help lead to global peace. Furthermore, interactions in this process could establish closer relationships between developing countries and advanced societies, which is also likely to promote world peace and international cooperation.




Third, developing countries' economic growth with the assistance of developed countries will have a positive impact on global economic prosperity in the end. If developing countries become rich enough to fill the technological gap, they will begin to serve as equal business partners for developed nations, which will boost the world economy.


Third, developing countries' economic growth with the assistance of MEDCs will have a positive impact on global economic prosperity overall. If developing countries become rich enough to compete technologically, they will begin to serve as equal business partners for MEDCs, which will help boost the world economy.




In conclusion, for the three reasons mentioned above, compensation for the past exploitation, contribution to world stability, and promotion of global economy, I believe that developed nations should help developing nations overcome poverty.


In conclusion, for the three reasons mentioned above, compensation for past exploitation, contribution to world stability, and promotion of global economy, I believe that MEDCs should help developing nations overcome poverty.

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プロフィール

英語教師

Author:英語教師
性別:男
年齢:40代
地域:関東
趣味:ゴルフ


C2プロジェクトとは?

ランキングのつけ方

TOEFLとIELTSの換算表(ETS公式)


C2ランキング(TOEFL換算)
116.5:英語好き(T116,I8.5)
114.5:Siobhan(I8.5)
113:Dr.English(T113)
111:Echo(I8.0)
110:ホーリー(T110,I7.5)
109:Jet Bull(T109)
106:amurrites(T90,I7.5)
106:Shino(I7.5)
103:リュウ(I7.5)
102:tats(T102)
102:Bryce(T102)
99:englove40(T99)
98:Zero(T98,I7.5)
96:英語教師(T92,I7.0)
90.5:Pippi(I7.0) 
88:ひかる(I6.5)
87:yuuki(T87)
85.5:ヒロト(T73,I6.5)
76:kazu(T76)
未:澤田先生(TOEIC 990)
未:Hidekazu(TOEIC 985)
未:K(TOEIC 965)
未:おこの(TOEIC 945)
未:りゅう(TOEIC 945)
未:Roberts(TOEIC 945)
未:Sorane(TOEIC 940)
未:a cat(TOEIC 935)
未:びび(TOEIC 930)
未:Tim(TOEIC 920)
未:Taishi(TOEIC 915)
未:gogakutan(TOEIC 900)
未:英国びいき(TOEIC 900)
未:よっち(TOEIC 895)
未:おkd (TOEIC 710)

ブログ開始前
2004/06 T840(L440 R400)
2004/10 TOEFL PBT560
2006/11 英検1級

ブログ開始後
2013/10 S150 W190
2013/10 T885(L465 R420)
2013/11 T950(L480 R470)
2013/12 S150 W180 2013/12 T895(L465 R430)
2014/01 T915(L475 R440)
2014/01 S160 W180
2014/03 T910(L470 R440)
2014/04 T935(L490 R445)
2014/04 TOEFL 89
       R23L23S22W21
2014/05 T945(L490 R455)
2014/06 T960(L475 R485)
2014/07 T935(L490 R445)
2014/10 T985 (L495R490)
2014/11 T940(L495 R445)
2015/02 IELTS 7.0
      R7.5L7.0W5.5S7.5
2015/03 TOEFL 92
       R27L21S22W22
2016/03 TOEFL 92
       R28L27S15W22

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